"Okay This Does NOT Look Good Here, Umm..."
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by NikkyVix » Sat Mar 28, 2009 12:38 am
Vincent Offer, a.k.a Vincent Schlomi, b.k.a "The ShamWow! Guy", has been arrested in Miami, FL for battery of a hooker.
Witnesses to the 4am incident recall hearing a loud, brackish man with his lady consort through the thin walling of their Miami apartment. "He just kept screaming the silliest things, like 'Hey yo, batter up!' and something about liking his peanuts," said Maude, an elderly resident of the apartment.
"And then we heard banging on the floorboards...we hear that a lot, you know," Herb, Maude's husband, spoke up. "And still we could hear him shouting things like "One slap, and salad's done," and "You know we can't do this all day."
When the screaming started, Maude noted that the most prevalent cries from Mr. Schlomi were repeatedly shouting, sic, 'I'm gonna headbutt'cha', alerting them to violence on the scene.
Deciding to make it known how much she did not, in fact, love his nuts, Ms. Harris, the prostitute, bit Mr. Schlomi's tongue and refused to let go.
As Keith Olberman of "Countdown with Keith Olberman" on MSNBC noted when he reported on this event: judging from his mugshot, it would seem Mr. Schlomi indeed had something handy nearby with which to sop up the blood...
*Disclaimer: The accounts and witness names here are false and merely the invention of my fevered brain's attempt to milk the hilarity of this situation as much as possible.
Witnesses to the 4am incident recall hearing a loud, brackish man with his lady consort through the thin walling of their Miami apartment. "He just kept screaming the silliest things, like 'Hey yo, batter up!' and something about liking his peanuts," said Maude, an elderly resident of the apartment.
"And then we heard banging on the floorboards...we hear that a lot, you know," Herb, Maude's husband, spoke up. "And still we could hear him shouting things like "One slap, and salad's done," and "You know we can't do this all day."
When the screaming started, Maude noted that the most prevalent cries from Mr. Schlomi were repeatedly shouting, sic, 'I'm gonna headbutt'cha', alerting them to violence on the scene.
Deciding to make it known how much she did not, in fact, love his nuts, Ms. Harris, the prostitute, bit Mr. Schlomi's tongue and refused to let go.
As Keith Olberman of "Countdown with Keith Olberman" on MSNBC noted when he reported on this event: judging from his mugshot, it would seem Mr. Schlomi indeed had something handy nearby with which to sop up the blood...
*Disclaimer: The accounts and witness names here are false and merely the invention of my fevered brain's attempt to milk the hilarity of this situation as much as possible.
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NikkyVix - Site Admin
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by Mr. Munchlax » Sat Mar 28, 2009 2:16 am
I think it's already funny enough since it was the ShamWOW guy. 
But I like what you added.
But I like what you added.
Who do you think you are? Bleeding Action Man?!
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Mr. Munchlax - Posts: 736
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