It's sad, really...

[Ayeaka]

When I don't catch myself, I...think things, after a game here.

"Wow, we only got spawncamped ONCE that map.. That was a good game."
"Wow, I only got harassed by three people about my voice.. That was a good game."
"Wow, I was only made fun of for dying by one person consistently.. That was a good game."

And I think these things, and as I go to the next map, I slowly get more, and more tired, and eventually lose all interest in tf2. So I leave, exhausted, emotionally worn out, but thinking... 'that was a good game."

Until I did something I hadn't done in a long time.

I pub hopped. And I played on Rabbit Hole again.

No one made fun of me.
No one spawncamped.
No one yelled at me for being female.
No one complained about my voice being 'like needles' or 'too high'.
No one made fun of me for getting suspicious of a demoman that consistently crit over 12 times in a row.
No one made fun of the entire losing team.
No one spent the entire round micspamming loud screeching every time I tried to talk.

Know what?

People thanked me for saving them.
People congratulated me on good kills.
People congratulated me on lucky escapes.
People helped me.
People warned me of enemies.
People actually TALKED to me, and had a good conversation with me--without me once being made fun of.

Why is it that even on a random 32man instaspawn 2fort server...
I get treated better than I do here?

By the time any of you actually encounter me in game, those who I consider friends, I'm usually pretty well-worn, well pissed off, and jittery to the point of looking like a heroin addict going through withdrawal from the general treatment I received.

I'd like to consider you guys a home away from home. And at one time, I did. A fucked up, somewhat dysfunctional home, but a home nonetheless. A haven AWAY from the stress of my life when I felt like getting together with a group of friends, and playing a few good rounds.

And for a long time, that was true.

Then came...a lot of things, really.
The advertising, the population explosion.
The thousands of pubfags with no clue or care of the rules of the server.

And a lot of us were overwhelmed.
A lot of us complained.
And you listened.
And slowly, things seemed to improve.

But now, TFP's bloated, sickeningly stuffed to the gills, with entirely too many members for the admins to even HOPE of handling things. And it continues to grow worse every single day.
The advertising draws in a lot of people. Some of them are good enough, honest folk, fun to play with.
But the vast majority are trolls, or assholes.


Oh, but I'm sure you wouldn't see that. You probably won't have any problems at all.
Unless you have a cunt between your legs, and not a dick.
Unless you possess two X chromosomes, no Y.

The sexism grows worse day by day. There's racism now, as well, though I don't know if that's been noticed.
There are more 'cheaters' than ever before, many of whom more than intelligent enough to switch classes or go spec if someone seems to be watching them. Not to mention those using masks to hide their ping, as '1'. Because THAT'S not suspicious at all, amirite?
And there are fewer and fewer 'good, honest folk' compared to the shambling masses of assholes with a mic seemingly for the sole purpose of spamming derogatory clips spliced together in a can of earrape.


The admins are trying. I realize this, and I respect this. Ihad problems in the past, and was convinced to stay.

I'm not.
Emotionally.
Capable.
Of Staying.
Anymore.

And I'm sure I won't really be missed. Day by day now I find myself removing people from my list, not adding, as it once was, when I seemed to encounter a new person every day worth talking to.

"What's that? Frau's human? Frau has emotions? Frau's UPSET. Well, how DARE SHE. How DARE she be a flawed human being capable of being hurt! Let's make it worse!"

And it makes me wonder how I could have honestly ever considered some of these people my friends.

But no matter. I needed to purge my list anyway.

I'll probably stay on the forums. Most of those I actually ENJOY talking to are here, anyway.

But as for the servers?

They're little more than infectious cess pits at this point, as far as I'm concerned.

[Kumagoro]

It's really not that bad as you make it sound, maybe it's because I usually play on TFP#5 and on different hours... but 90% of the people are awesome guys.

Still, I'm sorry to hear all that :/

[Witchiebunny]

I'm sorry Frau. I did try.

Keep in touch, please, and in the meantime, I'll keep trying.

And to those who will say "It's not so bad..."

The only reason I don't get harassed to the degree Frau does is because I wield the banhammer. Unfortunately, sexism and racism run rampant within gaming groups, and TFP is no longer an exception.

I will do what I can, I really will, to fix this. This is supposed to be a *haven* for our members, a place for friends to come to play.

I won't beg you to stay, Frau, but do keep in touch...and if/when you're ready, come back.

[Mr. Munchlax]

:/

I haven't been able to play with you in so long because of my computer situation. Like Witchie said, keep in touch. I'll try and play with you sometime wherever you are if I can ever get a new gaming computer.

[Sekh765]

[Witchiebunny]

If you guys aren't blind to it then help us as admins fight it.

Take demos, report the assholes so we can take care of them. We don't allow it on here and we don't like it any more than you guys do. Remember my announcement on Steam? Inform us, so that we don't lose friends to assholes.

[Stormcaller3801]

I understand what you're talking about, although I think I haven't played more than one game with you. I've started to try and pay more attention to who does what, but I so rarely check the HUD it's difficult. The fact that Valve decided the game 'manual' should be a pamphlet about building a Sentry doesn't help- I have no idea how to do anything involving text commands beyond typing in rtv or stt or revote. And those only because they've been mentioned to me (in the latter case) or demanded (in the former two) of everyone.

I wish I could say that this was just a pubserver problem, but save for those (seemingly getting more common) instances where every server is packed save a spare spot on 1 or 2, I stay on 5, or more recently, 7. I still find myself dealing with teams bashing on each other and behaving badly. When everyone decides to do achievements or just have fun, there seems to inevitably be one or two people who still cap the point or run around killing everyone while they're trying to coordinate things. If my team is losing, they lose poorly, and if they win, they start insulting the other team. Last night on 7 I swear there were times when there were four people all attempting to talk over each other at the same time. Which led to confusion and more than one necessary apology.

I've started fighting back, and it works sometimes. When people yell about spawncamping on Badlands, I'll point out that the point we're defending is directly in front of our spawn. When I see someone setting up a Sentry inside the spawn door, I'll point out that counts as spawncamping as well and isn't allowed. When people complain how a Heavy should've died, I'll point out he's had a Medic on him the whole time. When people complain about team stacking, I'll point out how poor our coordination is, and do what I can to improve it. And I've tried to make a point of congratulating people for good shots, achievements, and timely kills.

But I don't know who the Pyro was sitting outside our spawn door on the last stage of Gold Rush. I don't know who the Scout was further back, waiting to hit baseballs at people when the door opened. I don't know what's actual cheating versus game error or high ping rates. I don't catch the names of people who hit 'v' just long enough to make racist jokes. I can't remember who was in-game when they said they make fun of Poisonous Mind because they like her voice when she gets upset.

For what it's worth though? Every time the map's loading, I look at my player stats and I see I've got over 42 hours as Medic. And I remember what you said about how everyone should put in time as one to know how to better coordinate with them. And I do get a feeing of pride from that. For whatever it's worth.

[Sekh765]

[Witchiebunny]

Well I'm telling you, start sending those demo's. Even if it's just for 5 minutes, send 'em.

[Stormcaller3801]

I'll see what I can do about starting to record game sessions.